"Miserable Comforters Are You All"

This lesson took two classes. You find the first one here on YouTube, and the second one here on YouTube.

Access the slide deck here. 

Introduction

1)     In this lesson, we will talk about several lessons to remember when others are suffering.[1]

2)     Quick overview of Job.

A)   Job 1:13-22; 2:7-10 – Job suffered severely.

B)    Job laments, and the book spirals into arguments with his friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar.

C)    Job makes several comments about his friends along the way:

1)     Job 6:6-7 – CSBSB – “Rather than tasteful nourishment to Job’s grieving soul, Eliphaz’s words were like contaminated food.”

2)     Job 6:15

3)     Job 16:2-5

Things to remember when others are suffering

1) Silence is golden.

A)   Job

1) Job 2:11-13 – Job’s friends came to be with him and were silent.

(a)   They were present.

(b)   They mourned with Job.

(c)   They were silent.

2) Job 4:1 – Here is where the trouble begins.

3) Job 13:4-5 – Job said he just wants them to be quiet.

4) Job 21:2-5 – “Keep listening… Bear with me… lay your hand over your mouth.”

B) Others

1) Prov. 17:28

2) Ecc. 3:7 – “There is a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.”

C) Quotes (uncited and unconfirmed)

1) Pythagoras – “Silence is better than unmeaning words.”

2) Publilius Syrus – “I often regret that I have spoken; never that I have been silent.”

3) Benedict de Spinoza – “The world would be happier if men had the same capacity to be silent that they have to speak.”

4) George Eliot – “Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.”

D)   Examples?

2) Don’t put your foot in your mouth.

A)   Job

1) Job 1:13-19 – Job just lost all of his kids.

2) Eliphaz (the first speaker) – Job 5:17-19, 25 – “You shall know that your offspring shall be many, and your descendants as the grass of the earth.”

3) Bildad (the second speaker) – Job 8:3-4 – “Your kids must have deserved it.”

B) Others

1) Prov. 10:19 – “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” NOTE: The more you open your mouth, the greater the opportunity you give to say something dump.

2) Prov. 12:18

3) Ecc. 5:2

C) Quotes

1) Mark Twain – “The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—‘tis the difference between the lightening bug and the lightening.”

2) Ben Franklin – “Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing cat the tempting moment.”

D)   Examples

1) “Everything happens for a reason.”

2) The “At least…” trap. Well, at least…you had 40 years together.

3) Look for the silver lining.

4) “I know how you feel.” No you don’t.

5) The one-upper. Let me tell you what happened to me…

E) Instead

1) Acknowledge the situation without making it worse - “I don’t know what to say, but I see you.”

2) Chaplain: I’m really sorry this happened to you.

3) Here’s a good note from Tracey A-P

(a)   This one might be personal and cultural, but we didn’t grow up saying things like, “I’m sorry you’re going through this” or “I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.”

(b)   Part of that is because when people said those things, it often didn’t feel like it came with meaningful action. Another part is that, for me, it feels strange to “apologize” for something we don’t control or fully understand—especially when we don’t know what God is doing in the situation.

(c)   Instead, I’ve found it more helpful to say things like:

(i) “What you’re going through is really difficult. And I can see how it’s been impacting you.”

(ii)  “What happened to you wasn’t right.”

(iii)          “I can see how hard it’s been for you to keep going through this.”\

(iv) “It is so frustrating when your body fails you and keeps you from doing things that you desperately want to do.”

3) Suffering people often say and do things they don’t mean, or regret saying.

A)   Job

1) Job 6:2-3 – Job acknowledges the weight of what he’s saying.

2) Job 6:24-26 – “the speech of a despairing man is wind.”

3) Job 10:1

4) Job 2:9 – Job’s wife. What she said was wrong, but I wonder if we should judge her entire life based upon what she said in the worst day of her life. How would you like to be judged by this standard?

(a)   Charles Spurgeon – “The Lord knows that his children often speak in their sleep when they are in the delirium of a fever of grief…He does not lay their words against them.”

(b)   Dietrich Bonhoeffer – “We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.”

5) Job 6:14 – “He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty.”

(a)   NET Notes – “The relationship of the second colon to the first is difficult. The line just reads literally ‘and the fear of the Almighty he forsakes.’ The ו (vav) could be interpreted in several different ways:

(i) ‘else he will forsake…,’

(ii)  ‘although he forsakes…,’

(iii)          ‘even the one who forsakes…,’

(iv) or ‘even if he forsakes…’ – the reading adopted here.

(v)   …The sense of the verse seems to say that kindness/loyalty should be shown to the despairing, even to the one who is forsaking the fear of the Lord, meaning, saying outrageous things, like Job has been doing.”

B) Others

1) Ps. 73:21-22 – “When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you.”

2) Prov. 19:11 – “Good sense make one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”

C) To the one suffering:

1) Be mindful that people often say and do things they regret while suffering.

2) Plutarch – “He who is in a passion is like a man in a fit of falling sickness; he has lost the use of his reason.”

3) Beware of lashing out.

4) Common (good) advice: When a spouse dies, don’t make any big decisions for an entire year because we are prone to do things we regret.

D)   To everyone else:

1) When someone is having the worst day of their life, that is not the time for us to be hyper-sensitive.

2) Matt. 7:12 – “Whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them.”

3) Col. 4:6 – “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”

4) Suffering people do not expect you to fix their problem.

A)   Job

1) Job 6:22-23

(a)   There is nothing that Job’s friends could have done to fix his suffering, and Job knew that; and he wasn’t asking them to fix it.

(b)   Much of Job’s speech is simple venting, and he just needed friends who hear him let it out.

2) Job 11:13-15 – Zophar gave Job a 3-step plan to fix his problem:

(a)   Prepare your heart

(b)   Put away sin

(c)   Feel better

3) Job 16:4-5 – Job sarcastically points out how easy it is to give advice when you aren’t the one suffering.

B) Others

1) Prov. 25:20 – “Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda.”

2) Everything is going to be fine.

C) Quotes

1) Henri Nouwen – “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing… that is a friend who cares.”

D)   Practical

1) Unsolicited medical advice.

2) This is where prayer is a good option. I don’t know what to do for you, but I know someone who does. One response that came back multiple times when I asked about this was people mentioning *specific* prayers. Not, “I’m praying for you” but “Here’s what I prayed for you.”

5) Be aware of your own insecurities.

A)   Job

1) Job 2:7-8 – Job looked really bad.

2) Job 6:21 – “you see my calamity and are afraid.”

B) Examples

1) “Oh man, there’s no way I could make it through losing a child.”

2) “If I were in your situation, I would just completely fall apart.”

3) I probably have different opinions about subjects like depression, anxiety, counselors, etc.; but this may not be the time for those conversations.

C) Quotes

1) Carl Jung – “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people.”

6) Don’t justify God.

A)   A big part of this class has been theodicy, which means to defend God, or justify God in the face of the problem of evil.

B) Job

1) Job’s friends felt compelled to defend and justify God when they thought Job had said things that were out of line.

(a)   Job 8:3 – “Does God pervert justice? Or does the Almighty pervert the right?”

(b)   Job 22:5-6 – Eliphaz accused Job of sin and implied that he deserved his suffering.

2) Note: They were wrong.

(a)   *Job 13:7-8

(b)   Job 42:7 – “My anger burns against you and against your two friends, for you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.”

C) Others: God does not need us to justify him!

1) Is. 55:8-9

2) Rom. 11:33-34

D)   Quotes

1) Charles Spurgeon – “When you cannot trace His hand, you must trust His heart.”

E) Examples

1) “This must be God’s will.”

2) “God has a plan for this.”

3) “God is testing your faith to make you stronger.” Well, maybe Satan is just being a jerk!

4) I have been asked before, “Why is this happening to me?” Maybe I have an idea, but a true (and better?) answer is, “I don’t know.”

(a)   Job 42:3 – “I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.”

7) Weep with those who weep.

A)   Job

1) Job 2:11-13

2) Job 19:21 – “Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, O you my friends, for the hand of God has touched me!”

B) Others

1) Rom. 12:15 – “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”

2) Gal. 6:2 – “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

3) Heb. 10:32-34 – “sometimes being publicly exposed to reproach and affliction, and sometimes being partners with those so treated.”

(a)   When someone gets dragged in the public, there are often people who step up and publicly stand with them. Tim Aly – “I have been friends when Ed for “X” years, and I was not going to let him walk through that parking lot by himself.”

4) Heb. 13:3 – “Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body.”

(a)   If I drop something heavy on my foot, my whole body reacts.

C) Quotes

1) Brene Brown – “Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”

D)   Practical

1) Just hand someone the tissue.

2) Don’t rush people out of pain. I’m not going anywhere.

3) One problem I often have is when a person has created the situation, or their suffering is self-pity. I don’t want to support nonsense, but I’m still sorry for when people feel awful.

8) Final note to those who are suffering.

A)   Maybe someone has said or done one of these to you and hurt your feelings. There are a lot on this list, so it’s likely.

B) But pay attention to a person’s motive. It’s not very likely that someone woke up that morning and thought to themselves, “You know what…today I think I want to hurt their feelings.”

1) Even if someone says or does something hurtful, it almost always is coming from a good place, and we should be able to see that.

[1] The original outline for this lesson came from Phil Roberts’ Job class at Florida College.