1:5-2:7: How to Heal your Wife's Insecurities

Watch on YouTube: Part 1 / Part 2

Note her various insecurities:

1) 1:5-6b – Her appearance (worth)

A)   v. 6 – “Do not gaze at me because I am dark…” She is self-conscious about her appearance.

1) In her culture, fair skin was a mark of beauty and leisure, while a deep tan marked someone as an unrefined field laborer.

B) Lovely

1) DBL

(a)   i.e. pertaining to being beautiful in appearance

(b)   fitting, suited, i.e., pertaining to what is proper and appropriate to a situation

2) LTW: The sense of what is fitting or proper still retains an aspect of what is beautiful, although in more of an abstract rather than an aesthetic way.

3) SOS1:5; 2:14; 4:3; 6:4

4) POINT: She is a beautiful and fitting woman, but she’s self-conscious about her appearance.

C) The tents of Kedar

1) Kedar was an Arabian nomadic Bedouin tribe whose rugged goat-hair tents were dark, coarse, and weathered by harsh desert elements.

D)   Like the curtains of Solomon

1) Though her exterior is rough, her true beauty is as regal and captivating as royal tapestries.

E) NOTE: I don’t think insecurities about appearance are mostly about vanity; they are about worth.

1) This woman is comparing herself to others.

2) She has had to work outside, has calloused hand, digs ditches, clears rocks, tends vines, etc.

3) And she’s compares herself to the polished, wealthy, “daughters of Jerusalem”

4) I’m not sure she feels “ugly.” I think she might feel like she has lost her value as a desirable woman.

2) 1:6cde – Family baggage

A)   Family conflict. Her brothers forced her to work in the fields.

B) Calling them her “mother’s sons” instead of her brothers emphasizes the emotional distance, and probably the lack of a loving protective dad.

C) When a woman carries family emotional baggage and rejection, she often gets married just waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting to be mistreated or abandoned.

3) 2:6e – Neglect: She hasn’t taken care of herself.

A)   By being consumed with her responsibilities, she did not have the time, energy, or resources to take care of her own appearance, hair, skin, or physical attractiveness.

B) Principle: She poured herself out for everyone else until she ran dry.

C) It could also be that she hasn’t had the time to work towards her own future home.

4) 1:7 – Social stigma: She’s worried about what others might think of her. Specifically, she doesn’t want to look like a prostitute.

A)   She doesn’t want to be left wandering alone.

5) 2:1 – She is only one among many.

A)   She compares herself to a common wildflower growing by the thousands in the field. These are not rare, exotic orchids from a greenhouse. She’s a dime a dozen. Ordinary.

Note how the man addresses her insecurities. He targets and specifically reverses all her doubts.

NOTE: He does not ignore her insecurities or dismiss them as silly.

1) She is the only one for me!

A)   1:8 – He calls her “O most beautiful among women”

1) She is not just one among many to him. She’s the best. She is arresting, captivating and eclipses everything else in the room. When she walks into the room, everything else vanishes.

2) This is not just about her physical appearance. You are telling her that she is not replaceable.

3) Duguid – “The man thus declares that his beloved is not merely the first in rank among many beautiful women; in his eyes, she is the one and only beauty among women.”

B) 1:9 – Imagine what happens when there are hundreds or thousands of stallions and disciplined war horses and then a mare in heat walks through them.

C) 1:10 – He calls attention to her cheeks and neck, which are the parts of her that would be the most affected by the sun (i.e. she’s self-conscious about her dark skin).

D)   1:15 – You are beautiful

E) 2:1-2 – In his eyes, she is a exquisite flower, while all other women are like rough, useless brambles by comparison.

1) O’Donnell – “You are the only one worth looking at.”

F) MAIN POINT: I need to make sure my wife knows that she is not in a competition.

1) e.g. She doesn’t need to compete against…

(a)   Work

(b)   My phone

(c)   Hobbies

(d)   Other women

2) She is entirely singular in my eyes.

3) “C.J. demonstrated his maturity when someone came up to him and said, ‘I bet she [his newborn daughter] is the apple of your eye.’ C.J. immediately pointed to his wife and said, ‘No—she is the apple of my eye.’”[1]

(a)   I was recently preaching from Zech. 2:8 and asked Tim Aly who the apple of his eye was, thinking he might say his grandkids. He pointed as Susan, and when I asked about his grandkids, he kind of shrugged.

2) 1:8 – He protects her reputation.

A)   He gave her a safe way to get to him: Pasture your own goats out to where I am. You’ll look like a normal woman who is working, not a wandering prostitute looking for attention.

B) Don’t embarrass your wife or make her look silly in front of other people.

3) He gives her security, shade, and shelter.

A)   She brought family baggage, but their house will be solid and firm.

B) 1:16-17 – Their house together will be solid and firm.

C) 2:3 – She describes him as an apple tree among the trees of the forest whose shade shelters her.

1) cf. Her brothers forced her to work in the hot sun.

2) O’Donnell – “What a picture of protection and provision, of security and shade (unlike her harsh brothers who provided no shade from the sun, this gentle man provides all she needs)!”

D)   2:4 – He brought me to the banqueting house.

1) This is the place of celebration, feasting and joy.

E) 2:4 – His banner over me was love.

1) In ancient warfare, a banner or flag planted on a conquered hill or raised over an army declared ownership, victory, and protection.

2) He publicly declares his devotion over her. He wants the whole world to know. He’s flying his flag.

3) He also covers her with protection.

F) 2:5 – He sustains me.

1) The sugar is good when you’re weak. I used to carry raisins in my mountain bike pack.

2) cf. Her brothers have her out there working in the sun, and her man sustains her.

G)   2:6 – He wraps her up. This is complete emotional and physical security.

H)   MAIN POINT: I need to be my wife’s safe place.

4) Conclusion

A)   “The latent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging words.”[2]

B) Husbands need to specifically target your wife’s specific insecurity and affirm that she is more than enough.

1) Examples

(a)   Physical appearance / aging

(b)   Body changes after kids

(c)   Not feeling “good enough” or worthy as a wife, mom, Christian, friend, etc.

(d)   Comparison: peers, social media

(e)   Abandonment (emotional or physical): My husband will eventually lose interest or fall out of love with me.

(f) Being unheard, unseen, ignored

(g)   Financial security

2) 1 Pet. 3:7 – “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel…”

[1] Thomas, Sacred Marriage.

[2] Chapman, The Five Love Languages.