1) Here’s a sample text message to illustrate in-law issues:
I am having a hard time with my parents…
I am being treated badly. Getting blamed for everything that occurred in the past. She talks about my wife and MIL.
She thinks I don’t invite her to any of my kids events. I have invited her to my daughter’s softball games - 17 of them. They didn’t go to one! Also the other kid’s soccer games. Not one.
My daughter is in choir. A couple months ago I sent my mom a letter that says that my daughter was picked to be in all-district choir. It had the time of the concert and location.
My dad broke his wrist a week in a half before the concert. He is in pain of course. During the week of the concert, I didn’t mention the concert to my mom.
Number one reason - I didn’t think they would go. Also my dad was in pain then.
Number 2. My wife’s parents were going and their excuse in the past is that they don’t feel comfortable with them there because of things that happened in the past.
Number 3. I really didn’t want her to go.
At the concert we saw my mom’s friend, so she went back to my mom and told her. I spoke to her on Saturday and it didn’t end very well. I told my mom I sent that letter that has everything that you need to know about the concert and when it was. She needs to take responsibility. She is an adult. I told her that I should have mentioned the concert during that week.
My mom brings up everything that I have done. She turns everything on to me. She is a narcissist. I am tired of it.
There is a lot of history
2) Examples of problems
A) Controlling issues (i.e. trying to run my life).
1) Telling me how to raise my kids.
2) How to spend my money (especially where to buy a house and what kind of house to buy).
3) My husband’s mom tries to tell me how to clean my house and cook.
4) My wife’s dad tries to tell me how to manage our money.
B) Exclusion issues
1) My in-laws only visit my spouse when I’m away.
2) Only buy gifts for my spouse.
3) My wife’s parents give her money to buy things I can’t afford, and I resent that.
4) My son-in-law has basically kidnapped our daughter and won’t let her visit or spend time with us.
C) Privacy
1) Parents just “drop in” unannounced.
D) I just don’t like my in-laws/family.
E) Grandkids
1) My parents ignore my kids and won’t spend time with them and be grandparents.
2) My parents ignore me and only ever care about the grandkids.
Rules for In-Laws
1) Prioritize your marriage.
A) Gen. 2:24
1) Leave
(a) NET Notes: The verb translated “leave” (עָזָב, ’azab) normally means “to abandon, to forsake, to leave behind, to discard,” when used with human subject and object (see Josh 22:3; 1 Sam 30:13; Ps 27:10; Prov 2:17; Isa 54:6; 60:15; 62:4; Jer 49:11). Within the context of the ancient Israelite extended family structure, this cannot refer to emotional or geographical separation. The narrator is using hyperbole to emphasize the change in perspective that typically overtakes a young man when his thoughts turn to love and marriage.
2) Hold fast
(a) NET Notes: The verb is traditionally translated “cleaves [to]”; it has the basic idea of “stick with/to” (e.g., it is used of Ruth resolutely staying with her mother-in-law in Ruth 1:14). In this passage it describes the inseparable relationship between the man and the woman in marriage as God intended it.
(b) DBL
(i) cling to, i.e., fasten oneself to an object (Ru 1:14; 2Sa 23:10; Job 29:10)
(ii) stick to (Eze 3:26; 29:4b)
(iii) joined fast, be stuck together (Job 38:38; 41:9)
(iv) be made to cleave, stick to (Ps 22:16)
(v) stay close, formally, cling, i.e., be in close proximity to another object (Ru 2:8)
(vi) be united, joined, i.e., be in a close association, implying a normal continuing relationship (Ge 2:24)
(vii) be associated, formally, bind, i.e., be in a close association as a figurative extension of a belt fastening objects together (Jer 13:11)
B) Marriage is our top priority. It comes before everything else. Marriage wins every conflict of interest. If a decision must be made for or against someone, your spouse wins every single time.
1) e.g. If you call your parents to talk about your day every time you drive and don’t have anything left for your spouse when you get home, then you have prioritized your parents over your spouse.
2) Be united.
A) Never complain about your spouse or put them down to your parents.
B) Defend your spouse to your parents. They don’t get to put them down either. Not even making little jabs.
C) Protect the privacy of your marriage.
D) Secure your perimeter and become an impenetrable united front.
3) Create a new decision-making process.
A) We all have built-in defaults.
1) This is my family’s tradition and way I’ve always done things.
2) How to load the dishwasher.
3) How to manage money.
B) Policy of joint agreement: Enthusiastic agreement between both spouses.
1) This is not begrudging compliance.
2) If no enthusiastic agreement, then the default answer is no.
4) Each spouse deals with their own parents.
A) Take full ownership of “we / us.”
1) Never throw your spouse under the bus.
2) “We have decided…”
B) Why?
1) Your relationship with your parents is not only biological, but built upon decades of resilience and forgiveness. Parents love and get over things (even if they give you the silent treatment for a month.)
2) Your in-laws do not have this. You are an outsider and competing force.
3) Forgiveness is harder. Forgetting is even harder.
Practice
1) Where will you spend your first Thanksgiving and Christmas?
A) This is the epicenter of family tradition. Who is going to be disappointed?
B) Your parents will cry and struggle with the traditions that they have built.
C) Can you come to a solution that prioritizes YOUR marriage even while disappointing parents?
2) Wedding planning.
A) I used to say, “Let’s not worry about the wedding. Let’s worry about the marriage.”
B) But while watching my own kids, I realized that wedding planning is a great training ground.
1) Who wields power?
2) How do you get what you want?
3) Can we work together with money?
4) Who gets invited? Who do your parents say gets invited…even if they’re paying?
5) Whose family traditions get honored and whose get benched?