These are my teaching notes. Further down the page, you'll find sections that I've written out for social media posts. Those may be clearer than my outline bullets.
1) The entire “dating” industry is built around compatibility. Algorithms are designed to match hundreds of data points that try to indicate if people are compatible. I only say this to make the point that somebody believes that there is such a thing as people who are a good match, and people who are not.
2) Be careful with the “in love” illusion. It’s easy to think that we are compatible when we are really not.
A) For anywhere between a few months to two years, the “love goggles” cause people to hallucinate about compatibility.
B) We ignore or overlook red flags.
C) We also put our best foot forward. Anybody can pretend for a short period of time.
D) This is when a person feels like a soulmate.
3) These lessons are designed to address some of the most common problems that people experience in marriage.
A) Problems with being on the same page
B) Conflict and communication
C) Money
D) In-laws
E) Sex
4) Two realities: About a good and happy marriage.
A) Over time, you will hopefully learn to be on the same page (or work together in a functional way).
1) I have seen people say it takes 9-14 years for a couple to learn to be on the same page.
2) Just appreciate that learning how to do this is a major project and it doesn’t just happen accidentally.
B) Ideally, we can start out in the right mindset about getting onto the same page. Perfect compatibility is not required to get married, but it’s going to be a much smoother road if we can at least start off by moving in the same direction.
5) HERE IS THE MAIN POINT OF THIS CONVERSATION:
A) The question is NOT “am I compatible with this person right now.” Marriage is a training ground full of learning and growth from both sides.
B) Can I become compatible with this person?
C) Do I want to become compatible with this person?
1) Think of marriage as a triangle.
A) A horizontal-only marriage is where husband and wife ask a flawed person to act as their ultimate source of meaning, security and happiness (i.e. fulfillment). Most people think about compatibility in the horizontal sense. How can we move closer towards one another. But there is a better way.
B) A vertical marriage is where husband and wife both move in the same direction toward a higher shared purpose or goal. As we move toward that goal together, we get closer to one another.
C) For Christians, this is to serve and glorify God.
2) QUESTION: Why did God create humanity in the first place?
A) Consider this: Most people don’t know or have a clear idea about why God created us and what we are supposed to be doing.
B) First, read Gen. 1:26-28; 2:15.
1) QUESTION: What does it mean to be made in the image of God?
(a) Keep reading the sentence: We were created to have dominion over, and subdue, God’s creation. See also 2:15: “to work and keep his garden.”
(b) Compare Pss. 8:4-8; 115:16.
2) ANSWER: We were created to do God’s work and take care of his stuff.
C) God determines our identity and purpose, and our goal is to serve him and live according to his will in all things.
D) POINT: It is critical to be aligned on this point. Otherwise, instead of coming together over time, you will drift farther apart as you move in your own directions.
E) IMPORTANT: Do not misunderstand this point to be about marrying someone who is simply a baptized Christian. This is a discussion about what we are committed to and what we are doing with our lives.
F) My future spouse also does not need to be a perfect or fully developed Christian. They DO need to be someone whose primary focus is moving in that direction.
3) Marriage is a covenant between two people and God.
A) One way to help wrap our heads around this is to think about the differences between a covenant and a contract.
B) Motivation
1) Contracts are transactional. They are based on mutual suspicion and protection to ensure both parties deliver services, goods, or performance.
2) Covenants are relational. They are based upon trust and commitment. They rely upon character and integrity instead of enforcement consequences.
C) Conditional vs Unconditional
1) Contracts are conditional. They rely on both sides fulfilling their specific terms, and if one party breaks the contract, it may become null and void.
2) Covenants are unconditional. They are not based on the other person’s performance, but on your own promise to remain faithful to the agreement, even when the other side may have failed to do so.
D) Termination
1) Contracts have built-in expiration dates and termination clauses. They can be dissolved through mutual agreement, completion of the terms, or if a breach happens.
2) Covenants are intended to be permanent and lifelong (i.e. “until death do us part”). My first way of describing this is that covenants cannot be broken without causing deep, personal, emotional, and spiritual destruction. I have changed that to simply say that they cannot be broken.
3) Gen. 2:24 – “they shall become one flesh”
4) Mal. 2:13-16
(a) vv. 13-14 – To be faithless to your covenant that God witnessed is “to cover the Lord’s altar with teas, weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand.”
(b) v. 15 (ESV) – “Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union?”
(i) NOTE: Other versions read differently.
5) Matt. 19:1-12. Marriage cannot be broken.
NOTES
· Ask open-ended questions.
· We need to be completely honest with each other about these.
· This list should be a primer for more conversation.
1) What level of Christian living (discipleship) do you expect?
A) What should church attendance look like?
B) How much should the church family play a part in your life throughout the week?
C) How do you both feel about alcohol?
2) How do you think about money?
A) Are you a spender or a saver?
B) Do you use a budget?
C) How do you feel about debt?
3) How do you think about kids?
A) Do you want to have children?
B) How many?
C) How do you plan to discipline them, and who is expected to do that?
D) What expectations do you have for each other about involvement in the day-to-day lives of the children?
E) What are your most important priorities for your kids? (i.e. Christianity, academics, sports, etc.)
4) How do you think about roles in your home?
A) Will both spouses work? How much? Travel?
B) Who will take care of different household chores? (i.e. meals, cleaning, laundry, yard work, trash)
C) How much times should be devoted to rest vs accomplishing tasks?
5) Where do you want to live? Short-term and long-term?
6) How do you plan to operate with family?
A) How connected will your families be? (i.e. Time spent, visits, vacations, etc.)
B) How will you handle holidays?
C) What kind of boundaries are important to you?
7) How important is transparency to you?
A) To you expect to share everything, or are private things acceptable?
B) Important note: If your spouse lies to other people, they will lie to you.
8) What kind of vacations do you want to take, and how often?
A) Beach or mountain?
B) Local or international?
C) Run or rest?
9) How do you feel about being on time? (i.e. Early vs late)
10) Think about the top three things that you would change about your husband/wife.
A) Can you happily live with these three things for the rest of your life?
B) It is not reasonable to expect someone to change. We will all change with time, but you can’t expect it or choose what changes.
Yesterday, I mentioned a big change in my first pre-marriage compatibility conversation. We don't necessarily need to find someone with whom we are perfectly aligned. We need to find someone that we are able and willing to work towards becoming perfectly aligned with.
There's an important exception to this. We need to at least make sure we are walking in the same direction towards the same goal. It's just not reasonable to assume that I will come to be more aligned with someone who is walking east when I am walking west. If we are moving in different directions towards different endpoints, then over time we will grow farther apart.
The best direction and shared goal for two people to move towards is the one that God created us for in the first place. This conversation starts in Gen. 1:26, "Then God said, 'Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.'" What does it mean to be made in the image and likeness of God? Simply press on in the text because God answers it in the next sentence,
26 Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. 28 And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
God created us to subdue and have dominion over his creation. Gen. 2:15 says we were created "to work and keep his garden." Ps. 115:16 says, "The heavens are the Lord's heavens, but the earth he has given to the children of man" (cf. Ps. 8:4-8).
God made humanity with meaning and purpose. He made us to do his work and take care of his stuff. We were made to look like him, act like him, and be with him. Make sure you hear what I'm saying. If you are reading this, then you need to understand that THIS IS WHAT *YOU* WERE MADE FOR. It is your purpose and direction in life. Sure, there are a lot of people who are doing other things, but those things are not what they were made for, like using a butterknife as a screwdriver.
Think of compatibility like a triangle. You and your spouse are the two bottom corners, and God is the top. Most people think about compatibility horizontally. We are going to try to move closer and closer towards one another along the bottom of the triangle. This is not a good approach. When your marriage is horizontal, you are asking your spouse to be your ultimate source of meaning, security, happiness, and fulfillment. That is a burden too heavy for any person to carry, and it is not fair to ask anybody to be these things.
Now imagine a marriage where each spouse is moving towards God. They are living their lives and committed in all things to the purpose for which they were created. We are seeking true meaning, security, happiness, and fulfillment that only God can provide. As we both move towards him as our shared purpose and goal in life, we naturally come closer to each other.
Do not ask, "How can we become more compatible with each other with our money?" Ask, "How can we glorify God with our money?" Don't ask, "Where do I want to live?" Ask, "Where can I serve God and glorify him the best?" As we draw closer to him, we draw closer to one another, and that bond is not based upon stomach butterflies or personal happiness. It is based upon something that matters eternally.
There is no such thing as a new couple who is perfectly compatible in every way. Learning to be on the same page is a journey. But imagine that I am on that journey, and my primary goal in life is to be what God created me to be and move closer to him, while my spouse doesn't know him or care about him. We will naturally move in different directions, and over time, we will drift apart.
This is the most important thing I have to share about marriage.
I need to say something else here because I am so often misunderstood (maybe willfully). Someone who claims to be a Christian is the minimum standard, and not a box to be checked. Just because someone claims to be a Christian does not mean that their life is devoted to moving towards the top of the triangle.
The single most important thing to look for while dating or even in an engagement is not whether we agree about all the same stuff. It's whether or not we are moving in the same direction.
It may be a little out of place, but it absolutely needs to be said (and clearly understood), and this is just as good a place to say it as any: The marriage covenant cannot be broken by man.
One way to try to wrap my head around this is to describe the differences between contracts and covenants. First, contracts are transactional. They are based on mutual suspicion and built-in protections to ensure that both parties deliver the agreed-upon goods, services, or performance. Covenants are relational. They are based upon trust and commitment. They rely on character and integrity rather than consequences. Since this is the case, you had better make sure you marry someone with a reliable character and integrity.
Second, contracts are conditional. They rely on both sides fulfilling their specific terms, and if one party breaks the contract, it may become null and void. Covenants are unconditional. They are not based on the other person's performance, but on your own promise to remain faithful to God, even when the other side may have failed to do so.
Third, contracts have built-in expiration dates and termination clauses. They can be dissolved by mutual agreement, completion of terms, or by breach. Covenants are intended to be permanent (i.e., "until death do us part"). I used to describe this by saying that covenants cannot be broken without causing deep, personal, emotional, and spiritual destruction. I have simplified that by saying that they cannot be broken.
This is part of what Gen. 2:24 means when God said, "they shall become one flesh." You should read Mal. 2:13-16. Verses 13-14 say that to be faithless to your covenant that God witnessed is "to cover the Lord's altar with tears, weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand." And now for my favorite line. Verse 15 (ESV) says, "Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union?" (Other versions read differently.) Marriage is not just a spoken promise, but something that God has spiritually (mystically?) involved himself in. Read Matt. 19:1-12. Verse 6 says, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." You should not, but you can go to the courthouse and file papers to legally dissolve your marriage. But you cannot actually dissolve it.
In the past, Becky and I tried to walk through the importance of being on the same page. “Opposites attract” is one of the dumbest ideas ever invented. We need to be on the same page (i.e., one flesh) about spiritual things, money, kids, roles in the home, where to live, how to operate as a family, etc.
I’ve changed my mind about how to handle this subject because I previously left little room for the reality of growth. In Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands, Paul Tripp describes marriage as a “training ground.” In God, Marriage, and Family, Andreas Kostenberger calls it a “training and proving ground.” In Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas refers to marriage as a “school of faith.” Dave Harvey quotes Martin Luther in When Sinners Say I Do, who famously called marriage the “school of character.” One author suggests that it takes 9 to 14 years for a couple to get on the same page. I don’t know about these exact numbers, but the principle is correct.
Here is a small, but important, tweak in my thinking. We don’t ask, “Are we compatible?” Instead, we ask, “Can I become compatible with this person?” A question even more fundamental than the first might be, “Do I want to do what it takes to become more compatible with this person?”
Learning to be in step with each other and syncing up takes a while to figure out. For this reason, the question is not “Are we there,” but “Am I willing to do what it takes to get there with you?”